kenneth5moon's blog

VANCOUVER – Feminists are again outraged over Lindsey Vonn, this time over her fall in the slalom run of the super-combined. ‘The fall was overtly and gratuitously sexy,’ said Feminist.com founder Marianne Schnall. ‘She slid down the mountain legs spread on her back, like the male operatives of the Olympic Games like it.’ Feminists demand that women Olympians wear bulkier clothing that is less form fitting and only participate in sports where their bodies cannot be put in positions simply imagined as sexual. ‘That pretty much disqualifies curling, luge, bobsled, even the biathalon ladies have to lay down on their stomachs and spread eagle while they fire a rifle,’ declared Schnall. Feminists have advised women stop taking part in the games absolutely and just work as even secretaries. ‘Having these athletes sitting behind a desk in frumpy clothing is pretty much the only way we’ll be satisfied,’ said Schnall.

CLEVELAND – A five-year plan to build a team around Cleveland Cavaliers star LeBron James is complete. With the trade deadline looming, the Cavs bought the final piece of the puzzle from a Home Depot in Washington. After nailing Antawn Jamison into the Cleveland team, the organization all of a sudden spotted that LeBron was besieged within the unusual structure. ‘We got out the crowbars instantly but realized speedily that we are going to have to bulldoze this operation entirely.’ expounded Cavs Gm Danny Ferry. ‘We could be suffocating him. We should have seen this coming. Crap, he’s probably going to demand a trade after this.’. TAUNTR.com

VANCOUVER – US Olympic Snowboarder Shaun White had already won the gold for the Halfpipe even before nailing his McTwist 1260 Wednesday night. His victory was so sound that silver gong winner Peetu Piiroinen from Finland and bronze winner Scotty Lago were made to give their medals to White also. ‘Shaun pretty much won the top ten positions,’ announced Olympic judge Colin Hornish. ‘Piiroinen and Lago were really only eleventh and twelfth compared to White.’ Lago looked fine with it. ‘If I tell anyone from today till the day I die that I snowboarded for the US in the 2010 Olympic Games, they won’t believe me because all they will remember is Shaun White,’ expounded Lago. ‘I’d rather just put it behind me and not have to deal with people questioning me about Shaun each day for eternity.’. TAUNTR.com

VANCOUVER – At the mention of pitchers and catchers reporting to spring coaching today, US Olympic figure skater Johnny Weir dropped everything to join in. ‘What’s this about pitching and catching? I adore catching. Am I able to come too?’ The Seattle Mariners quickly offered to fly Weir from Vancouver to Peoria, Arizona for their spring coaching, seeing it as a great press move. Weir quickly busted into the locker room and offered his services. ‘Wow, look at all the strapping baseball players!’ exclaimed Weir. ‘I’m prepared to catch! Who would like to pitch their fastballs to me? Who!’ Although Weir has stayed quiet about his sexual proclivity, players have their suspicions. ‘I don’t know,’ said new Mariners pitcher Cliff Lee. ‘He’s acting just like Hamels did back in Philly, and everyone knows which way he swings.’. TAUNTR.com

PORTLAND – The Portland Trail Blazers have traded Steve Blake and Travis Outlaw to the LA Clippers for veteran center Marcus Camby today. The Blazers, who have had their two top centers-Greg Oden and Joel Przybilla-go down with season-ending injuries, have been desperate to discover a replacement. Camby is excited to join the Blazers who are in playoff contention. ‘I can’t wait to get to Portland,’ related Camby. ‘I’m bored with playing so much. I’d like to come in there, make a clean tear in my ACL and then rehabilitation the rest of the year in Hawaii.’ The Blazers had notoriously bad luck with their centers staying healthy for years, all the way back to Sam Bowie. ‘I’ve been healthy long enough,’ Camby claimed. ‘Bring on the season-ending injuries.’. TAUNTR.com

NEW YORK – Big Apple Knicks fans are not pleased with the way their season is going and across the stadium you can hear their cries for change. From a higher level mezzanine section, a chant of’Hire Isaiah’ started and finally filled the whole stadium. Disenchanted with current coaching direction, the fans asked that the organization bring back mythical coach Isaiah Thomas. ‘That guy was awesome.’ declared one fan. Indeed. Thomas coached the Knicks a few years back and enjoyed a level of success which has not been seen in Madison Square Garden since. Does the organization listen to the fans of a major market franchise with a storied history? Time will tell. TAUNTR.com

NEW YORK – During the Westminster kennel Club dog show Tuesday night, members from people for the ethical Treatment of Animals walked into center ring to protest the celebration of breeding dogs. ‘I am confused to what they were objecting, these dogs are far more humanely treated than most humans,’ asserted Westminster spokesperson David Frei. ‘If they were from the People for More moral Treatment for Humans than Animals, then I’d understand, but these PETA bitches are just being assholes.’ Westminster, soaked in practice, took offense by the act and voted to shoot all losing dogs on site. After Sadie the Scottish Terrier won, the remainder of the dogs were taken to center ring and shot in the head by their owners. ‘We need to put a cap on PETA getting their pants in a wad over everything,’ said Frei. ‘I mean grooming a French Bulldog for four hours a day and feeding it foie gras and Perrier is pretty snobbish, but demonstrating that we don’t love dogs enough is fucking insane.’. TAUNTR.com

DALLAS – rumors have been flying that Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban wants his team to play games in Jerry Jones’ new behemoth, Cowboys Stadium. ‘Fuck Cowboys Stadium,’ said Cuban. ‘I wish to move the Mavericks to the moon.’ The young eccentric billionaire is awfully fond of creating stunts, and sees the moon as the biggest stunt of all. ‘Sure playing in ‘Jerryworld’ or the ‘Death Star’ or whatever you would like to call it is great, but being the first team to play on the moon would be righteous.’ designers asserted to build a stadium on the moon would take trillions of dollars, but would be’totally fucking awesome.’. TAUNTR.com

OAKLAND – The Oakland Raiders are still trying to build the right team around their superstar kicker Sebastian Janikowski. The Raiders on Tues. made Janikowski the highest-paid kicker in the NFL, signing the would-be free agent to a four-year, $16-million contract. The accomplished kicker provided one of the few highlights for the team last season after nailing a 61-yarder, the fourth longest field goal in history, in a loss against the Cleveland Browns. ‘Most teams go for quarterbacks, screw ‘em. We go for kickers,’ recounted owner Al Davis when exclaiming the extension. ‘We’ve got a pretty good punter. I invested in a good holder as well, and we may target some other top special teams players in the draft. That’s how I roll.’ Coach Tom wire was also pleased with Janikowski. ‘He’s the sole one on the team that I don’t need to punch in the face’ says Cable. ‘I’d like to build a team around players I don’t have to punch in the face. If we can doing that going forward, it might be superb for everyone.’. TAUNTR.com